2016 Goals

Happy 2016, you beautiful unicorns! I hope the year is starting off happily and healthily for you and your family and friends. One of my goals this year is to really get this blog off the ground and mold it into what I think it has the great potential to be. I won't sugarcoat it when I say I've been in a bit of a rut these last few months, particularly job wise. I'm definitely not where I'm supposed to be, and I hope that putting more effort into this little corner of the Internet will facilitate a process of getting closer to what my little heart fancies.

Mama H and I have been batting an idea around that I think could be really wonderful, and one I'd really like to bring to fruition. For now, I'll only say that it deals with two of my favorite things, books and wine, and combining the two for a tag line (and business) that will surely take over the world. Or at least, the greater Edwardsville area (The Secret is still a thing, right?).  Maybe even incorporate my newfound love of coloring books. #theobsessionisreal

                                                      (Dorothy Z needs to calm down)

Until then, my goal is for 2016 to be the year when I don't feel bad for investing time in myself. Or for reading books that could be, perhaps, maybe, construed as a bit self-helpy. Look, we all need a good kick in the ass once in a while, DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I want to spend more time with girlfriends who are good for my soul, and not worry so much about the people asking me why I'm not married yet. Slow your roll, humans who don't get a say in how I live my life.

I promise to no longer be a stranger. Have an awesome week, and if you haven't, seriously, invest 10 hours in watching Making A Murderer, because DAMN GINA.

Never Gone Long

Every time I sign in to this blog and begin a post, I lose the will about two paragraphs in and just give up, and I'm not sure why that is. This blog has been a really safe space for me -- it has allowed me to be honest about topics that I'm not sure I would have had the courage to be honest about before. I've had so many people tell me that they enjoy it, that they think I have something of real substance to say. It has allowed me to open up about mental health, about my experiences with single-shaming, about the love and goodness I can't believe I get to be surrounded by. And I want to continue on with it, I do. I will. The last few months have just been an odd head space for me. I don't want to chalk it up to turning 30, because honestly, I really love being in a new decade (for the 8 weeks I've been in one). My 20's were really up and down in a way that I don't miss -- personally, professionally, drunken textedly (don't worry, that's a word -- I've spoken to Noah Webster).

I think a part of it is that I still feel like a 14 year old masquerading as an adult. Does that feeling ever really go away? Probably not. And I'd really not like to regress back to my 14 year old self, she was not kind to herself. AT ALL. She still comes out though, sometimes. Especially when I see or speak to people I grew up with. And I have no idea what to do with that. You always want to play it cool when you see people who knew you when you had braces and no self-esteem to speak of. I always like to think I'm being so blase and chill (cannot pull off that word. Can't do it), then I get home and lipstick was smeared or a button was open. Or, honestly, the guaranteed 'Tara Huntley Method of Not Being Chill Even A Little Bit:' Engaging in small talk and laughing really oddly at something that's not even remotely humorous, like someone telling you that their chosen vocation is a bank teller. I laugh because I'm super uncomfortable. And because small talk is right up there with bad grammar on my list of mortal enemies. And clearly, this happens when talking to good looking men, because of course it does. Because God or the Great Aretha Franklin or whomever, has chosen to look me over when they handed out the 'this is how you talk to another human being in a way that isn't awkward' genes. 

It's a process I am constantly working on. A process that I get more comfortable with as time passes. Just like I'm getting more comfortable with the fact that people genuinely think I'm funny or something approaching not hideous to look at (but really, I'm super adorable, I think we all know that). We all have our own processes, our own ways of dealing with our idiosyncrasies and neuroses. I just like to write mine down, because it helps me realize how ridiculous I can be sometimes. Though my feelings are valid and I certainly am entitled to them, seeing them in front of me allows me to put it all in perspective. It allows me to find the fortitude to tell myself 'look, you're clearly not happy, do something about it.' 

So, while I may abandon this blog for stretches at a time, it's never for good. At least until I ride off into the sunset with Tom Hiddleston, which should be happening any day now. 

Dirty Thirty

Two weeks from today will be my 30th birthday (say WHAAAATTT). So many people have asked me how I feel about it; if I'm scared, yada yada yada (All those questions one expects when a big birthday or life event occurs). And my answer is always the same, "I'm looking forward to it." That's not a lie, I really am. While I do think it's incredibly surreal, and that I should still be 17 years old, I really am stoked to enter a new decade. My 20's have been very up and down, personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally. I was never one that wanted to settle down in my 20's. While I do want that for myself very much one day, I don't think my 20's would have been the most conducive time. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and I don't think I could have done that knowing others relied on me. Which, I'm sure to some, sounds incredibly selfish. It does to me sometimes, too. I've just always had a very deep fear that had I settled down in my 20's, I would wake up 30 years later, roll over to the person next to me and have a very visceral reaction of "WHAT IN THE SAM HELL." I've always felt I would carry a lot of resentment. That's not to say that those who did find their person and start their families in their 20's didn't do what's right for them. I'm just saying that for me, it's best that this all comes a bit later down the road.

I always felt when I was younger that I would be hitting this new decade with a husband and a family. And, honestly, I'm glad that I'm not. I wish I could tell the girl that thought those ideas that actually, where you are at 30, is a lot better. I'm surrounded by so much love and friendship and laughter that it almost makes me feel unworthy. What did I do to have these amazing people in my life? Seriously, dudes. It's ridiculous.

The last few years has seen me cut out the bullshit, the negative people, the people who are a drain on my time and energy. I've become someone who is starting to become a little more comfortable with the phrase "GFY." Maybe not necessarily said in those exact words, but the sentiment is the same. I don't allow people to speak to me in a way, that 5 years ago, I would have without a second thought. I've learned that being a people pleaser, while having it's positive sides, is doing no one any favors. I've learned that "No, thank you" is a complete sentence, no explanation necessary.

Most importantly, I've learned that people can only make me feel terrible if I let them, if I hand them that power. While there are quite a few people who I have let go of, who no longer have a place in my life, I still wish them well. I'm not such a monster that I wouldn't want good things for people, even if our friendship ran its course. I want good things for everyone that has crossed my path. Being a human can be terrible, and we need to realize people are rooting for us. Maybe I am rooting for you while simultaneously giving you the finger, but that's neither here nor there. ;) All I'm saying is that I'm learning not to hold on to such resentment and anger. To let it go, let it be and give it to God or Dolly Parton, or whichever deity you choose to believe in.

So, let's do this 30 -- I can't wait.

About to Get Real...

I hope you beauties had a wonderful weekend! I was lucky enough to start mine out with a long visit with a great girlfriend. You know, the kind of friend you can go months without seeing, but the second you're back together, it's like no time has passed at all? The best kinds of friends.

(Via Spirit Science)

It was so nice to unload and share things that I didn't even realize I was feeling. Incredibly cathartic, and hopefully, it will start allowing me to move forward without trying to take on everyone else's worries and problems; instead, focusing on my own. Our talk consisted of everything old friends chat and catch up about, but the one area that really struck me the most was about letting go, realizing that how hard I'm working at this plan I've got in my head, may be interfering with some other "greater" plan. Now, I've never been a deeply religious nor spiritual person. It's just never been something that I've had any kind of interest in or connection to. I suppose, there have been certain moments or occurrences in life that have made me go "WHAT IN THE SAM HELL WAS THAT?" but, never enough that I thought to go further into it. 

And, in case you haven't met me, I have a very hard time letting things go. I tend to internalize until it's just not healthy at all, and everything comes out in one absurdly emotional crescendo. I'm attempting to work on it, but it's something that's not going to happen overnight. However, hearing it worded in a way that I hadn't before, helped me to realize that while I can still work on the plan I have, that maybe there's also room for another plan. Perhaps I'm not getting these jobs for a reason, or I'm not meeting the love of my life right now because I'm just not ready yet. It really lets me look at my life from a different perspective and say "Okay, what do YOU really want? What's going to make YOU happy?" Because, I gotta tell you, unless you're making a concerted effort to focus on you and your happiness, the rest just isn't going to matter as much. 

The last few months, I've noticed myself detaching more and more from people and places. And each time, I think I need to offer an explanation. But, I don't. I go places or do things because I think it will make others happy, without any regard for whether it makes me happy. And that has got to change. I can't keep doing things for the sake of others, that's just BS. I feel that's a huge reason why my anxiety has been in such flux lately. I'm focusing on trying not to let others become upset with me instead of just saying, "You know what? Nah. This isn't something I want to do/see/share/crochet, " what have you. Hopefully, as I enter my 30's, 'no' is a word I'll become more familiar with and not be so afraid of. 

This has now gotten to be the size of a small novel. If you've made it this far -- congratulations! Have a wonderful start to your week and I promise the next post will be a bit more lighthearted. :) 

Putting On My Big Girl Pants

I had a whole paragraph written out on "Oh, woe is me, can't find a job, let's be a Debbie Downer." But, what does that accomplish, really? Does it sucketh mightily? Uh, yes. Yes it does. But, hopefully this is just a small bump in the road. I'm a firm believer that if you have everything handed to you, the reward isn't as sweet. Now I know that the struggle will hopefully reap the benefits. #thestruggleisreal, ya'll (I have a side job as a Britney Spears impersonator).

It does open you up to so many possibilities and options, considering work and career paths I would never have dreamed of. And honestly, I don't need to make a ton of money. I would so much rather be doing something I absolutely looooove and being able to pay my bills. That's all I need. Money for bills and the occasional vacation. Because, honestly? I would be a horrible rich person. Just THE WORST. There's a reality show for you. You're welcome, networks!

While I do admit that trying to be upbeat about this all the time just isn't plausible (there's been many crying nights where I wish I could cuddle up to someone and bitch and cry it out), I do feel a weird sense of something good. It really allows you to step outside of yourself and see how you would handle all of life's ridiculous BS that it throws. Some days are better than others. And honestly, I'm not stuck in a dead end job that I hate. I'm opening myself up to art museums and hospitals and so many other avenues.

But, above all else, I've realized, when I feel like I can't go through this another day, that guess what? I can. Because, the below quote is something I'm going to tattoo on my forehead (pardon the language).

Ladies, even if you’re not feeling like it today, you are a fucking warrior princess who’s hella beautiful and totally kickass. Slay babies slay, you got this.

(Source: capturingcompassion, via pink-pineapple-dann)

Let A Girl Live Her Life

This weekend was incredibly needed. A girlfriend of mine from EIU came down, and it was so nice to spend the weekend being a tourist in my own town. Though our plans to see Trainwreck kind of derailed (BOOM! Nailed it!), because it seemed half of Edwardsville was lined up at the movie theater, the rest of the weekend was fantastic. We even spent last night hanging out with my parents. :) 

Today was spent beefing up the security and privacy on my Facebook page, and seemingly finding out that people think I'm a huge lush! Look, I understand that I joke about wine quite a bit, because these last few months have been rough. But, I don't have my head constantly under the nozzle of Franzia in my fridge. And to insinuate that you think that's all I do, just doesn't sit well with me. Also, of course everything you read on social media is true and really happened. No one falsifies or embellishes on there at all. Clearly, I tend to internalize, and don't speak up until everything comes to a head, but Jesus -- if all you think I am is the bottom of a wine glass, than clearly, we don't need to be fixtures in each others' lives. Bye, Felicia (I cannot pull that off, why do I even try?). 

I don't know why this bothers(ed) me so much, but it has. I know I shouldn't let the opinions of those who I don't have a really close friendship with to begin with bother me, but look, I'm also the type of gal who freaks out when her very set routine gets disrupted  -- THAT'S JUST WHO I AM AS A HUMAN. Let a girl live her life, man. Or honestly, I need to sing the song of my people, and tell myself not to let the bastards get me down. 

What I preach to others, I need to remember to preach to myself as well. Life is short -- eat the cake, drink the wine, don't be fake and it will all be fine (seriously, who do I speak to at Hallmark? My pun and rhyme game is ON FIRE). Happy Sunday Funday!

A "Could I Write A Book" Test Post....

I'm not even going to apologize. I'll just say you are all beautiful and that color looks divine on you.

I go back and forth every day about whether to post, whether I have anything of substance to say. But, I have to say, these last few months, I've actually had quite a few people tell me they think I should write a book. It's always been something that's been in the back of my mind. I mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty decently funny. Well, I make myself laugh. To have people that I haven't seen in years, inbox me on Facebook to tell me they think I'm hilarious? I'm sorry -- but my 14 year old self is basically doing the happiest of dances.

These last few months, being jobless, have been ROUGH (What a segue, huh? I have totally got this book thing nailed!). So, I do what I always do when I get nervous, make uncomfortable jokes while downing a cheap box of wine. GLASS. I MEANT GLASS. Which, while not only therapeutic, has also given me a foundation for a book (which will also have 87 chapters on "DON'T EVER DATE A DUDE WHO WEARS THE HOOD OF HIS HOODIE ON HIS HEAD THE ENTIRE DINNER." Look, it's just a very important lesson). I'll probably also go into the importance of having a song that really lights your fire. For example, mine is the 1981 Carl Carlton classic "She's A Bad Mama Jama."

We all just need to realize life just doesn't mess around sometimes. I'd even go so far as to say it's a bitch, but look, I just don't need that karma. Also, when did "Do you have a boyfriend?" become "Are you married?" I'm sorry ---- WHAT? My idea of cooking is putting a bag of popcorn in the microwave, what makes you think I'm ready to devote THE REST OF MY LIFE to the love and caring of someone? I cannot even make that kind of devotion to a People magazine subscription at this current time of my life. Please check yourself before you wreck yourself. And can we stop on the dating website suggestions? I really don't want to end up in the back of some dude's trunk. Which, I'm sure is not as real of a worry as I'm making it, but I have seen Dateline, you guys. I HAVE SEEN IT.

I just wish more people understood that at 29, you can be single and happy. Look, I fixed a kitchen cabinet today ALL BY MYSELF. Which, honestly...I'm going to be dining out on that for a long time. Your life goals don't have to look like everyone else's. I just want to be able to have money in the bank to pay my bills and surround myself with people who don't use their menus as coasters. Which may just be the title of this book, "People Who Use Their Menus as Coasters ARE THE WORST: A Sequel to Catcher In The Rye." Nailed it.