Dirty Thirty

Two weeks from today will be my 30th birthday (say WHAAAATTT). So many people have asked me how I feel about it; if I'm scared, yada yada yada (All those questions one expects when a big birthday or life event occurs). And my answer is always the same, "I'm looking forward to it." That's not a lie, I really am. While I do think it's incredibly surreal, and that I should still be 17 years old, I really am stoked to enter a new decade. My 20's have been very up and down, personally, professionally, mentally, emotionally. I was never one that wanted to settle down in my 20's. While I do want that for myself very much one day, I don't think my 20's would have been the most conducive time. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and I don't think I could have done that knowing others relied on me. Which, I'm sure to some, sounds incredibly selfish. It does to me sometimes, too. I've just always had a very deep fear that had I settled down in my 20's, I would wake up 30 years later, roll over to the person next to me and have a very visceral reaction of "WHAT IN THE SAM HELL." I've always felt I would carry a lot of resentment. That's not to say that those who did find their person and start their families in their 20's didn't do what's right for them. I'm just saying that for me, it's best that this all comes a bit later down the road.

I always felt when I was younger that I would be hitting this new decade with a husband and a family. And, honestly, I'm glad that I'm not. I wish I could tell the girl that thought those ideas that actually, where you are at 30, is a lot better. I'm surrounded by so much love and friendship and laughter that it almost makes me feel unworthy. What did I do to have these amazing people in my life? Seriously, dudes. It's ridiculous.

The last few years has seen me cut out the bullshit, the negative people, the people who are a drain on my time and energy. I've become someone who is starting to become a little more comfortable with the phrase "GFY." Maybe not necessarily said in those exact words, but the sentiment is the same. I don't allow people to speak to me in a way, that 5 years ago, I would have without a second thought. I've learned that being a people pleaser, while having it's positive sides, is doing no one any favors. I've learned that "No, thank you" is a complete sentence, no explanation necessary.

Most importantly, I've learned that people can only make me feel terrible if I let them, if I hand them that power. While there are quite a few people who I have let go of, who no longer have a place in my life, I still wish them well. I'm not such a monster that I wouldn't want good things for people, even if our friendship ran its course. I want good things for everyone that has crossed my path. Being a human can be terrible, and we need to realize people are rooting for us. Maybe I am rooting for you while simultaneously giving you the finger, but that's neither here nor there. ;) All I'm saying is that I'm learning not to hold on to such resentment and anger. To let it go, let it be and give it to God or Dolly Parton, or whichever deity you choose to believe in.

So, let's do this 30 -- I can't wait.