About to Get Real...

I hope you beauties had a wonderful weekend! I was lucky enough to start mine out with a long visit with a great girlfriend. You know, the kind of friend you can go months without seeing, but the second you're back together, it's like no time has passed at all? The best kinds of friends.

(Via Spirit Science)

It was so nice to unload and share things that I didn't even realize I was feeling. Incredibly cathartic, and hopefully, it will start allowing me to move forward without trying to take on everyone else's worries and problems; instead, focusing on my own. Our talk consisted of everything old friends chat and catch up about, but the one area that really struck me the most was about letting go, realizing that how hard I'm working at this plan I've got in my head, may be interfering with some other "greater" plan. Now, I've never been a deeply religious nor spiritual person. It's just never been something that I've had any kind of interest in or connection to. I suppose, there have been certain moments or occurrences in life that have made me go "WHAT IN THE SAM HELL WAS THAT?" but, never enough that I thought to go further into it. 

And, in case you haven't met me, I have a very hard time letting things go. I tend to internalize until it's just not healthy at all, and everything comes out in one absurdly emotional crescendo. I'm attempting to work on it, but it's something that's not going to happen overnight. However, hearing it worded in a way that I hadn't before, helped me to realize that while I can still work on the plan I have, that maybe there's also room for another plan. Perhaps I'm not getting these jobs for a reason, or I'm not meeting the love of my life right now because I'm just not ready yet. It really lets me look at my life from a different perspective and say "Okay, what do YOU really want? What's going to make YOU happy?" Because, I gotta tell you, unless you're making a concerted effort to focus on you and your happiness, the rest just isn't going to matter as much. 

The last few months, I've noticed myself detaching more and more from people and places. And each time, I think I need to offer an explanation. But, I don't. I go places or do things because I think it will make others happy, without any regard for whether it makes me happy. And that has got to change. I can't keep doing things for the sake of others, that's just BS. I feel that's a huge reason why my anxiety has been in such flux lately. I'm focusing on trying not to let others become upset with me instead of just saying, "You know what? Nah. This isn't something I want to do/see/share/crochet, " what have you. Hopefully, as I enter my 30's, 'no' is a word I'll become more familiar with and not be so afraid of. 

This has now gotten to be the size of a small novel. If you've made it this far -- congratulations! Have a wonderful start to your week and I promise the next post will be a bit more lighthearted. :) 

Putting On My Big Girl Pants

I had a whole paragraph written out on "Oh, woe is me, can't find a job, let's be a Debbie Downer." But, what does that accomplish, really? Does it sucketh mightily? Uh, yes. Yes it does. But, hopefully this is just a small bump in the road. I'm a firm believer that if you have everything handed to you, the reward isn't as sweet. Now I know that the struggle will hopefully reap the benefits. #thestruggleisreal, ya'll (I have a side job as a Britney Spears impersonator).

It does open you up to so many possibilities and options, considering work and career paths I would never have dreamed of. And honestly, I don't need to make a ton of money. I would so much rather be doing something I absolutely looooove and being able to pay my bills. That's all I need. Money for bills and the occasional vacation. Because, honestly? I would be a horrible rich person. Just THE WORST. There's a reality show for you. You're welcome, networks!

While I do admit that trying to be upbeat about this all the time just isn't plausible (there's been many crying nights where I wish I could cuddle up to someone and bitch and cry it out), I do feel a weird sense of something good. It really allows you to step outside of yourself and see how you would handle all of life's ridiculous BS that it throws. Some days are better than others. And honestly, I'm not stuck in a dead end job that I hate. I'm opening myself up to art museums and hospitals and so many other avenues.

But, above all else, I've realized, when I feel like I can't go through this another day, that guess what? I can. Because, the below quote is something I'm going to tattoo on my forehead (pardon the language).

Ladies, even if you’re not feeling like it today, you are a fucking warrior princess who’s hella beautiful and totally kickass. Slay babies slay, you got this.

(Source: capturingcompassion, via pink-pineapple-dann)

Let A Girl Live Her Life

This weekend was incredibly needed. A girlfriend of mine from EIU came down, and it was so nice to spend the weekend being a tourist in my own town. Though our plans to see Trainwreck kind of derailed (BOOM! Nailed it!), because it seemed half of Edwardsville was lined up at the movie theater, the rest of the weekend was fantastic. We even spent last night hanging out with my parents. :) 

Today was spent beefing up the security and privacy on my Facebook page, and seemingly finding out that people think I'm a huge lush! Look, I understand that I joke about wine quite a bit, because these last few months have been rough. But, I don't have my head constantly under the nozzle of Franzia in my fridge. And to insinuate that you think that's all I do, just doesn't sit well with me. Also, of course everything you read on social media is true and really happened. No one falsifies or embellishes on there at all. Clearly, I tend to internalize, and don't speak up until everything comes to a head, but Jesus -- if all you think I am is the bottom of a wine glass, than clearly, we don't need to be fixtures in each others' lives. Bye, Felicia (I cannot pull that off, why do I even try?). 

I don't know why this bothers(ed) me so much, but it has. I know I shouldn't let the opinions of those who I don't have a really close friendship with to begin with bother me, but look, I'm also the type of gal who freaks out when her very set routine gets disrupted  -- THAT'S JUST WHO I AM AS A HUMAN. Let a girl live her life, man. Or honestly, I need to sing the song of my people, and tell myself not to let the bastards get me down. 

What I preach to others, I need to remember to preach to myself as well. Life is short -- eat the cake, drink the wine, don't be fake and it will all be fine (seriously, who do I speak to at Hallmark? My pun and rhyme game is ON FIRE). Happy Sunday Funday!

A "Could I Write A Book" Test Post....

I'm not even going to apologize. I'll just say you are all beautiful and that color looks divine on you.

I go back and forth every day about whether to post, whether I have anything of substance to say. But, I have to say, these last few months, I've actually had quite a few people tell me they think I should write a book. It's always been something that's been in the back of my mind. I mean, I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I'm pretty decently funny. Well, I make myself laugh. To have people that I haven't seen in years, inbox me on Facebook to tell me they think I'm hilarious? I'm sorry -- but my 14 year old self is basically doing the happiest of dances.

These last few months, being jobless, have been ROUGH (What a segue, huh? I have totally got this book thing nailed!). So, I do what I always do when I get nervous, make uncomfortable jokes while downing a cheap box of wine. GLASS. I MEANT GLASS. Which, while not only therapeutic, has also given me a foundation for a book (which will also have 87 chapters on "DON'T EVER DATE A DUDE WHO WEARS THE HOOD OF HIS HOODIE ON HIS HEAD THE ENTIRE DINNER." Look, it's just a very important lesson). I'll probably also go into the importance of having a song that really lights your fire. For example, mine is the 1981 Carl Carlton classic "She's A Bad Mama Jama."

We all just need to realize life just doesn't mess around sometimes. I'd even go so far as to say it's a bitch, but look, I just don't need that karma. Also, when did "Do you have a boyfriend?" become "Are you married?" I'm sorry ---- WHAT? My idea of cooking is putting a bag of popcorn in the microwave, what makes you think I'm ready to devote THE REST OF MY LIFE to the love and caring of someone? I cannot even make that kind of devotion to a People magazine subscription at this current time of my life. Please check yourself before you wreck yourself. And can we stop on the dating website suggestions? I really don't want to end up in the back of some dude's trunk. Which, I'm sure is not as real of a worry as I'm making it, but I have seen Dateline, you guys. I HAVE SEEN IT.

I just wish more people understood that at 29, you can be single and happy. Look, I fixed a kitchen cabinet today ALL BY MYSELF. Which, honestly...I'm going to be dining out on that for a long time. Your life goals don't have to look like everyone else's. I just want to be able to have money in the bank to pay my bills and surround myself with people who don't use their menus as coasters. Which may just be the title of this book, "People Who Use Their Menus as Coasters ARE THE WORST: A Sequel to Catcher In The Rye." Nailed it.